


The Mixtape

by gwenwifar



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas makes a mixtape, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Memories, Mixtape, Mostly Fluff, The power of music, getting to know more about Cas, newly established Destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 13,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27971612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwenwifar/pseuds/gwenwifar
Summary: Cas learns more about the significance of mixtapes and decides to make one for Dean. Each song gets its own chapter and Dean gets some insight into Castiel's growth and emotional development through the years.
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 21
Kudos: 71





	1. The tape

It was weird, waking up without a sense of urgency. 

Chuck was just a has been who once wrote mediocre books that found a niche audience. Kinda pathetic, really. All their friends were back. Cas was literally within arm’s reach, reading in Dean’s bed. Their bed, now, he supposed. Mind-blowing the difference a week or so could make in a man’s life.

He glanced at the clock on his bedside table, stretched, and curled into Castiel’s side. 

“Good morning, Dean.”

He nuzzled into Castiel’s arm for a moment by way of a response.

“What time does Sammy’s plane leave?”

And there was the sense of urgency!

He glanced at the clock again and jumped out of bed. Why couldn’t his brother just take one of the cars and drive? Sure, it was a long drive, take him a couple of days to get there, but if he’d set out a couple of days ago, when Dean was hinting he wanted some alone time with Cas, he’d be there now. But Sammy had the brilliant idea that instead of spending those two days behind the wheel, he wanted to spend more time with Cas because “he’s my friend too, Dean.” and then just fly to Eileen.

A quick shower, two cups of coffee and way too many hints to hurry up from Sammy later, they were in the car, on their way to drop Sam off at the airport. Dean was, of course, needling him about going to see his girl. Cas had claimed shotgun, much to Sammy’s amusement, and was now occupying himself looking through Dean’s tape collection.

“I wondered where this went,” he finally piped up when he found the mixtape.

“The mixtape?” Sammy jumped in. “You know, the mixtape Dean made for you? That mixtape?”

Dean prepared himself for some epic needling, while Cas simply held it up with a nod.

“Zep songs, uh? Did you know our dad gave our mom a mixtape of Zep songs before they got married? It’s practically a Winchester tradition.”

Dean could feel the look Cas gave him at that, despite keeping his eyes firmly on the road, and tried to steer the conversation back to Eileen.

“Did you make one for Eileen yet?”

“No!” Sammy’s tone seemed to jeer at the idea, as if it was some silly thing only dopey kids did anyway. Dean’s eyebrow went up in the rearview mirror, and Sam blushed.

“These days, mostly people just share playlists. Same idea, really. The songs are just online.” He hesitated before finally admitting, “I might have sent her a YouTube playlist,” and then after clearing his throat, “of those videos that show the lyrics cause, well, you know.”

Dean smiled a “bitch” at him that sounded just like “I’m proud of you”, and Sammy grunted in return, impatiently looking out the window to assess their progress towards the airport.

“It appears mixtapes might be more… significant than I realized.” Cas observed. Which of course launched Sammy on a long speech about the history of the mixtape followed by a veritable ode to the mixtape and its romantic implications when given to potential love interests by awkward boys who didn’t know how to express their pent-up feelings. Dean zoned out after a bit, not so much that he couldn’t feel Castiel’s eyes turn to him on occasion when Sam said something especially revealing, but enough not to stress about it. They were together now, anyway. The metaphorical cat was out of the bag.

Eventually, they arrived, and Sammy was off. Cas was still holding the tape, turning it over and over in his hands. It was making Dean nervous, honestly. 

“Wanna listen to it on the way home?” he offered.

They did, a comfortable silence falling between them as they listened to the songs.

oOo

It took some doing, and a bit of time. Just gathering the things he needed without alerting Dean to the surprise he was preparing was tricky. Finding the tracks was easy enough online, once he’d finally settled on the ones he wanted, but figuring out how to get them from his phone to the tape without sacrificing all of the sound quality was beyond his skills. Fortunately, Sam came back with Eileen, and after a couple of days to let them settle in Cas finally asked Sam to help him figure it out. 

When he was finally satisfied that he had it right, or as right as he was going to get it, anyway, he carefully wrote out the track list on the cover, adding a note here or there as appropriate.

He waited until Dean was in the library, conveniently close to a tape deck, with nothing much to do for a while before he produced the fruit of his labors.

“I have something for you,” he started. What does one say when giving someone special a special mixtape when it wasn’t a special occasion, anyway? He should have asked Sam. He extended the tape towards Dean, but found he was leery of letting it go. 

“Is that…”

“It’s a mixtape, Dean,” he confirmed.

“Yeah?”

“Uh… I… Yeah.”

“Awesome!”

Dean took the tape and flipped it over to read the track list.

“Taylor Swift? You’re making me listen to Taylor Swift?”

Now that the tape was literally out if his hands, he seemed to gotten over the nerves.

“I’m not making you do anything, Dean. However…” and here he dropped his voice significantly. “I will make it worth your while if you do.”

Dean headed for the tape deck, cockiness all over his face and stride, and a smile that told Cas he was teasing when he mumbled over his shoulder:

“The things a guy will do to get laid.”


	2. Side A Track 1 - You Belong With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Side A of the tape is for some moments that make up Castiel's most significant memories. I didn't want this to just be a new spin on moments that were in the show. You already know those stories and can read between the lines as well as I can. So I made up some memories I feel fit neatly into the story line. Think of it maybe as scenes that didn't make the cut. Moments that didn't seem to be especially significant from the outside, but where important to Cas, internally, in his own emotional growth. Just in case you're wondering why you don't remember this salt and burn.

Dean took the tape out of the box and popped it into the tape deck. His eyes went back to the cover as he waited for the music to start. Cas had made notes, it seemed. Side A was marked Memories, and under Track 1 it was noted “Salt and Burn, Colorado, before the fall,” which really wasn’t a lot to go by, but as soon as the music started, Dean remembered anyway.

Some cheerleaders had turned up dead, of apparent suicide. All in the same school. Small town, middle of nowhere. They’d been between major hunts and passing through, or close enough, and decided to stop and handle it. Cas had just started riding with them more on smaller hunts and between hunts, pretty much, on a regular basis. It took some doing but they finally figured out that what the girls all had in common was a sleepover.

When they pulled up to the house, it became pretty clear that it was empty. They checked out all the rooms, working their way up from the basement and came up empty, right up until they got to one of the upstairs bedrooms. It looked… untouched. Like the family hadn’t been able to clear out the room before they moved out. There was dust, but not too much. And the second they walked into the room, the radio came on, blasting Taylor Swift. This song, to be exact.

Anyway, they started burning stuff, not knowing where to look for a body and not sure what the ghost could be attached to, and every time they came into the room, it started again. As more and more of the personal items were burned without any measurable effect, Cas became convinced the key was the song. So they sat in the now mostly empty room, dissecting what it could mean.

It was pretty obvious they were looking for a teenage girl, but their search came up with exactly zero teenage girls dying under mysterious circumstances involving cheerleaders within the last year. Or even going back as far as 30 years. Cas had a lot of questions.

*

_She’ll never know your story like I do_

“The people in the song are clearly friends, Dean. Maybe best friends. Doesn’t that rule out romance between them?” he’d asked.

“Not necessarily,” Dean had explained. “It’s rare, especially in teenagers, but you can fall in love with your best friend. It’s the best, when it works, but high risk.“

“Does not liking his music make the other girl unsuitable?”

“Not really, but it’s nice when you like the same things, Cas.”

“Is shared humor a necessary component of romantic relationships?”

“It sure helps, Cas.”

“Why does it matter where she’s located?” and “Why is what they wear significant?”

It had taken on the nature of a third degree, and neither Dean nor Sam could really see the relevance, but they answered the questions as best they could and chalked it up to Cas trying to figure out humans. Young love sure was a tricky one to figure out, even for humans.

They started to get somewhere when Cas wanted to know why the boy wanted to hang out with the girl that made him sad and why he can’t see that clearly the girl next door is a better mate, even though he appears to return her feelings from the start, if the video Sam pulled up on his phone was anything to go by. That required an explanation of teenage hormones, and how miserable boys that age are willing to get if it has a chance of getting them laid. 

The radio had kicked on again with a question of its own.

_Why can’t you see?_

It actually got stuck there, repeating the question over and over like a record that’s skipping.

“Why can’t he see, Dean? I think that’s the key.”

“Maybe they’ve been friends so long that he didn’t even notice when it turned into something else. A different kind of love. Maybe he did but he doesn’t know how to show her that he sees. Maybe he’s afraid to show her. It complicates things when you start out as bffs. It’s a lot to lose if it doesn’t work out.”

“Dean! I think I’ve got it!”

That was Sammy, who’d been fiddling with his phone for the last few minutes. 

“I found a teenage girl who died right here recently. She didn’t come up before because it wasn’t a mysterious death. She died of cancer.”

“We sure she’s our girl? Where is she buried?”

“She was cremated.” Sam deflated a little. “But get this. Her obituary mentions her best friend and how supportive he was through the worst of her illness. Dean, he lives right next door.” 

They looked out the window to see the other bedroom no more than a few feet away.

“Perhaps she gave him something. Something important.”

It turned out to be a friendship bracelet she made for him, of all things. They were about to burn it, despite the boy’s protests, when she showed up. She asked her question again, and Cas whispered to the boy that she needed him to see her. He’d brushed his thumb along the bracelet, and then he’d reached out as if to tenderly brush her cheek. Her eyes had closed, and then she was gone.

Dean smiled at the memory, and at the irony. _What you’re looking for has been here the whole time_ indeed. It wasn’t there yet, that early, he didn’t think. But soon after that. For a very long time before he could see it.

He looked up to find Cas watching him.

“That didn’t hurt, did it?” he joked.

Dean pulled Cas in. 

“Have you figured out love yet? Cause I could use some pointers. I keep making lame jokes that anyone else would have dumped me for before our first kiss.”

Cas chuckled.

“Still working on it.”

Then the smile got nostalgic and he mused: “You know, I could tell, that day, that you and Sam were getting impatient with all the questions. _I_ was getting impatient. But I needed to know, urgently, as if it could all apply to me some day, and I needed to be prepared. It felt oddly like getting field intel just before leading the hordes into battle. Every detail could be critical. I thought then that it was all about cracking the case. But looking back now I think that was the first hint I had that things were about to change.”

Dean brushed his lips in the softest of kisses.

“I’m sorry it took me so long, Cas. I can see you, now.”

And they stood there, together, until the next song started.


	3. Side A Track 2 - I'm Still Here

When the first notes started to fill the air, Cas smirked and warned:

“Brace yourself. It’s a Disney song.”

Dean made a big show of groaning.

“You’re killing me, Cas. When did we hear Disney songs, anyway?”

A smile ghosted over Castiel’s face briefly. 

“It was when you were living with Lisa and Ben,” he sounded positively solemn for a moment. “I had come by, invisible, to check on you.”

“What, why?”

“Why was I checking or why was I invisible?”

“Both.”

“Well, I was checking because I found myself worrying about how you were doing without Sam. And, honestly, for my own sake too. You and Sam were the only ones who’d ever encouraged me to question and make my own choices. When the questions got too big to hold back, I popped over to check on you,” he shrugged. “I was invisible because I didn’t really have a good reason to be there and I was… well, embarrassed, about the way things had gone down.”

He took an awkward breath and continued.

“You were watching a movie with Ben, that evening. I sat with you for maybe an hour.”

_I am a question to the world  
Not an answer to be heard_

Cas seemed suddenly utterly fascinated with his shoes. The awkwardness settled in between them.

“Cas?”

_You don’t know me  
And I’ll never be what you want me to be_

Cas looked up, reluctance written all over his features.

“I guess you could say I identified strongly with Jim. Trying to figure himself out with all these voices telling him who he’s supposed to be, trying to do something meaningful with his life, not really sure what. Putting his trust in someone who turned out to be… unreliable.”

He ran his fingers through his hair, not that he could make it any messier if he tried.

“You and Ben started talking.”

“I remember now. About what he wanted for himself in the future.”

“You were so good with him, Dean. You heard him out. Nudged gently here and there, but you didn’t make his choices for him. You told him they were his choices to make. You did it for Sam too. Saving people and killing things, that’s your job. Helping people be the best version of themselves, that’s what you do. You didn’t tell them who they were, you helped them figure it out. Watched out for them while they worked it out. It got me thinking. That maybe you could do the same for me.”

_How can you learn what’s never shown?  
Yeah, you stand here on your own_

“How did I do?” Dean asked, suddenly remembering all the times he’d been a complete dick to Cas over the years.

Castiel looked up, a sparkle in his eyes, gestured vaguely at himself.

“You tell me.”

“You’re an amazing man. If I had anything to do with that, I think I did ok.”

“I was only ever meant to be a tool. A hammer, as you said. God’s shield. But there was so much more I wanted to be and I didn’t know how. I didn’t belong in Heaven anymore, but I didn’t belong here yet. I felt that nobody knew me at all. Like nobody wanted to. Nobody could even see me. It’s lonely, not knowing who you are or where you belong after billions of years of trying to work it out. In a way, that was the day I fell, you know. Not officially, of course. But by the time I left you and Ben, I had effectively switched sides. I had decided that I was going to trust you to lead the way. You became my moral compass, as it were. It was only a matter of time after that.”

Cas dropped a small kiss on his forehead and angled Dean’s head so he could look him square in the eye.

_They can’t break me  
As long as I know who I am_

“Thank you. There was so much I was able to face because I know who I am now. Because I know where I fit in. I knew in the empty. At that Gas N Sip. In Heaven and Hell and Purgatory. In all the worlds we’ve been to. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.”

_I’m the one  
Cuz I’m still here_

“I was your shield, first. Then your tool. Your friend. Your family. Everything I am now… everything I’ll ever be, is somehow connected to you.”

Castiel’s eyes were deep pools of love and gratitude he wanted to lose himself in. And he would, in a minute. But not before he thought of how he’d not really made much of an effort to get to know Cas at first. They’d helped him understand humans, sure. They’d taught him things. But they hadn’t really made an effort to learn about Cas. About angels, sure. But not about Cas.

He brushed Castiel’s lips with his own, promising himself he’d stop with the juvenile jokes about the songs, and get all the insight he could from them. 

“Maybe I’m just yours, Dean.”

Dean’s brow arched.

“Maybe?”

“Maybe,” Cas confirmed, a cocky smile teasing at his lips.

“Assbutt,” Dean grumbled, before pulling him for a kiss.


	4. Side A Track 3 - When the Going Gets Tough

“I’m going to get us a beer.”

The next track should need very little in the way of elaboration, so Cas strolled to the kitchen in search of a drink. Dean looked at the tape cover and smiled. It listed “When the going gets though,” the only annotation being “karaoke night”. That was enough. There had really only ever been one, and Dean remembered it clearly, though he had pretended to be too drunk to recall it.

They’d been in some small town and headed for the only bar they could find after the hunt. Cas had lost his grace. If he remembered correctly, it was after he discovered sex (and coffee) but he was still struggling with sleep, going to bed only when he was completely exhausted, and sleeping even less than Dean. Sam had gone to bed. He’d said something about wanting to be up early for a jog before they hit the road. Dean was too hyped to sleep, and Cas had tagged along to keep him out of trouble. At least that was the idea. They’d both ended up getting trashed, though, now that he thought of it, neither one of them had much of a hangover the next day, so maybe they weren’t as drunk as they let on.

Anyway, the bar was having a karaoke night. Cas seemed… unimpressed. After assuring him it was fun, Dean encouraged him to browse the list of titles. A few beers later, and a lot of pointing out how much fun everyone was having, he noticed a Zep song on the catalogue and had stepped up himself to sing. It was “Ramble On”, but that was sort of irrelevant at the moment. 

It took another couple of beers, but eventually Cas seemed to find something he wanted to sing, and he stepped up.

_I got something to tell you  
I got something to say_

He wondered at the time if Cas knew what he was singing. It was a catchy tune. That title didn’t give anything away either. Cas seemed hesitant, not quite sure of the tune, but he caught on once he hit the first chorus.

_Darling, I'll climb any mountain  
Darling, I'll do anything_

When they weren’t fixed on the lyrics, his eyes came right back to Dean, over and over. He’d thought he was looking for reassurance of the am-I-doing-this-right variety. In retrospect, he was probably looking for a reaction. Dean kept drinking, doing his bit as the supportive tipsy friend.

_Ooh, can I touch you? (Can I touch you?)  
And do the things that lovers do_

The truth is, when Cas had sang the words directly at him, it had gotten awkward. He drank some more and acted drunker. He wasn’t especially proud of his reaction now, but he hadn’t known. Shit, he didn’t know Cas meant it. He didn’t know he had feelings of his own, lurking beneath the surface. He just knew it was a small town and they were both dudes and it was probably just Cas being Cas, not really getting what this would mean to regular humans. So he played drunk. Plausible deniability. To the rest of the patrons, they’d just be stupid drunk buddies who would now have a funny story to tell at each other’s weddings someday, if they even remembered any of this in the morning. And it would save awkwardness with Cas if they could just pretend it never happened. 

_Your love's like a slow train coming  
And I can feel it coming down the track _

Cas knew. The more he thought about it, the more Dean realized Cas must have known all along. All those times Cas was in his head, healed him, walked in his dreams. He must have felt that there were some feelings there, repressed or not. Dean wondered if he knew what to call them, if he’d hoped that Dean would figure it out in the end. If he had predicted they’d come to this.

He heard Cas coming back and reached for the beer he was holding out.

“I guess you knew what you were singing. I wondered, at the time.”

“Dean, the lyrics were in the catalogue,” Cas chuckled.

Dean laughed then.

“Maybe I was drunker than I thought I was.”

“That was often the case back then.” He dropped into a seat and continued. “I knew exactly what I was doing. As far as the song is concerned anyway.”  
Dean dropped into the seat next to his.

“I had found sex both pleasurable and somehow less exciting than I expected, given how humans seemed to constantly crave it. So I theorized that either I was no good at it, or it she was. And I asked myself how it would feel with someone who would know what to do. Like you. It was a bit of an obsession for a while, truth be told. And I was so incredibly glad to find a way to tell you what I wanted, even if we were both going to pretend it never happened in the morning.”

_Cause when the going gets tough, the tough get going  
When the going gets rough, the tough get rough_

“You going to get rough with me, Cas?” he asked, from under his lashes, all innocence.

Castiel’s expression flickered with interest for a moment before they refocused.

“I might. But not tonight. Nothing but sweet, sweet loving tonight.”

He drank again, his foot tapping along to the beat as the song began to fade out.


	5. Side A Track 4 - Crash and Burn

Dean didn’t recognize the song when it started. Cas was looking kinda spaced out for the moment, so he grabbed the tape again to read. All it said was “Crash and Burn,” and “Sam” with no further notes.

Intrigued, if none the wiser, he went to the door, intending to get Sam, but as it turned out, Sam was on his way in with his own beer. He headed for a shelf, hunting around for a book he needed.

_When you feel all alone, and the world has turned its back on you  
Give me a moment, please, to tame your wild wild heart_

“I don’t remember this one,” Dean said to the room. “I can’t place the memory.”

“That’s because you weren’t there,” Sam piped up, finally finding the book he was looking for. You were off with Crowley, I believe. At least you left with him, anyway. Back when you were a demon.”

_When darkness is upon your door  
And you feel like you can't take anymore_

It had taken Dean a very long time to let go of those days. He didn’t so much forgive himself as just managed to make himself stop thinking about it. Honestly, even then he probably only managed it because they’d been so damn busy saving the world for so long. He looked up at Sam, his brow rising up in a clear if unspoken question.

“It… brought back memories,” Sam continued. “Difficult ones. I -”

_Let me be the one you call  
If you jump I'll break your fall  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night_

Sam sighed, looking at Dean as if he couldn’t quite convince himself that it was really a good idea to talk about this. It made him think of when Sammy couldn’t let go of the things he couldn’t remember and ended up breaking down the mental walls Cas has used to protect him. Yeah, this would probably not be pretty, but he needed to know. Maybe Sammy was thinking of it too because he finally seemed to make up his mind and went on.

“I started drinking too much. Ended up in a really bad place. Cas came to the rescue. He didn’t have all that much power left, but he used some to fix me up, and then put us both into a cab and got me back home. This song was on the radio, in the cab.”

_If you need to fall apart  
I can mend a broken heart  
If you need to crash then crash and burn, you're not alone_

Dean knew he was getting the bare bones here and was torn between making himself fill in the gaps and leaving it there. It was clear enough, right? He glanced over to Cas, who was watching them carefully. Sam made a move to leave, and Dean held him there another moment, not really knowing what to say, but feeling like he should say something.  
Sam, bless him, worked to fill in the silence. 

“Honestly, at first it was annoying as hell. Years of being just your annoying little brother, getting ignored when I prayed,” he smirked, “and when I want to be left alone to just – he’s there every time I turn around, picking me up, getting me home, making sure there’s no real damage.”

_Cause there has always been heartache and pain  
And when it's over you'll breathe again_

He turned to face Cas, then, awkwardly.

“I don’t know if I ever thanked you properly for that. I don’t know if I could have gotten through it without you, man.”

Cas gestured an acknowledgment.

“What are much, much older brothers for?”

They both chuckled then, and Dean made himself spit out an apology. 

“I’m sorry I- I wasn’t there.”

“You were sick, Dean. It was my turn to be there for you. I almost - ” he swallowed hard, shook his head and changed course. “I think we’re even on that one.” 

They shared a quick Winchester hug, and Sam went back to whatever he was researching. Dean sat next to Cas again, his elbows on his knees and his eyes on the carpet. 

“Thank you for being there for Sammy when I wasn’t.” 

“When you couldn’t be, Dean,” Cas corrected him. “Covering for each other is what you do in a family.”

He squeezed Dean’s shoulder.

“I gave it a lot of thought before I decided to bring up these memories. I didn’t want to upset you. But this memory… It’s the moment I understood we were a family. An odd one, maybe, but a family. Besides, Sam was working on curing you, and I wanted him to be well enough to succeed. Also, I knew when he did succeed and you came back, you’d never forgive either of us if anything had happened to Sam, so there was self-interest involved.”

“Come on, Cas. You’re the most selfless guy I know. Self-interest, really? Helping me is your idea of self-interest?”

“I happen to find myself very interested in you and your welfare," he pointed out, in his best so-sue-me tone. "And in fact, in getting into your pants later. Which would definitely not be a possibility if I hadn’t taken care of Sam.”

“Sure, Cas. Whatever you say. Getting into my pants years down the road if I finally got my head out of my ass was definitely your motivation.”

He lightly slapped Castiel’s shoulder, and Cas retaliated, pulling him closer and leaning over him until they were almost horizontal on the couch.

“You underestimate how long and how strongly I’ve been wanting to get into your pants. Maybe I’ll have to devote some time to making it clearer.”

He was suddenly holding the remote and stopped the music before kissing Dean senseless. And well, if he did that mostly to distract Dean from the memories that had just been dredged up, well… there was some self-interest in there too.


	6. Side A Track 5 - Song of the Whippoorwill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie, I've been wanting to get to this one for about two weeks now, hence all the quick updates. There may be another one tomorrow, but likely not for another week or so now that I got this far. I hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

It was more than a few minutes, but eventually, Cas disentangled himself and resumed the tape. When Dean heard the twang of a country song, he sat up straighter. He looked delighted. Stunned, maybe a little shocked, but definitely delighted.

“That’s… that’s country,” he remarked, helpfully.

“Yes, it is,” Cas confirmed, with an internal chuckle. Then he dropped a small peck on Dean’s lips and sighed contentedly. “To be honest, I’ve been wanting to get to this one. It’s my favorite.”

“Your favorite?”

“The memory, not the song, just to be clear.”

Dean scrambled for the tape cover and found only one note. Not surprisingly, it was “Playing Tombstone”. Man, that had been a fun time all around. No wonder it was Castiel’s favorite memory. Dean was pretty sure it was one of his too.

“Alright, lay it on me,” he prompted.

“I’m sure you remember the case.”

“I do.”

“I was just back from the Empty, and we were in Dodge City, and you were walking around like a kid on Christmas morning, with your cowboy boots and your cowboy hat. We split off from Sam and Jack and it was just you, me, and Baby for a while. Playing cowboy.”

Cas had relaxed into the sofa cushions, looking more blissfully at ease than he’d ever seen him. Well, outside of bed anyway. Dean was enjoying the sight rather more than he’d expected to. He found his foot swinging along to the song, which must mean that at some level he was listening but Cas had his entire attention. So much so that it could have just as easily been “Rawhide” or “Stand by Your Man” for all he knew.

“You were so deep into the role you didn’t even put on one of your tapes while we were driving around. We listened to the local country music station. We were on our way back to the motel when this song came on.”

The smile got impossibly bigger and brighter and Castiel’s eyes sparkled so strongly they were almost blinding.

He sat up, eagerly reaching for Dean.

“I wasn’t really a fan of the opening, to be honest. But then I heard this. Listen,” he urged.

_My love is deeper than the holler, stronger than the river  
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill  
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December  
And honest as a robin on a springtime windowsill  
And longer than the song of a whippoorwill_

“And do you know what happened when I heard that, Dean?”

Dean’s own smile expanding to match Castiel’s, he shook his head.

“I looked over at you, a question on the tip of my tongue. Something about how the Grand Canyon was surely deeper than this hollow, or the redwoods taller than those pines. But when I looked, I was struck speechless.”

He laughed then. 

“Dean, all the questions just… faded away. You looked happier than I’d ever seen you, relaxed and at peace. Your fingers were drumming along to the beat on Baby’s steering wheel, the sun was playing across your face, spotlighting your freckles, adding highlights to your hair, and you looked –“

He stopped, entirely at a loss for words that could describe the wonder that Dean Winchester had been in that moment. Maybe it was the contrast with the empty he had just left behind. The Empty had been nothing. Dean was, well, everything. He settled for a breathless sigh, which Dean felt all the way to his toes and made him blush redder than he’d ever been.

“I knew then. I knew exactly what he meant. How he felt. How I felt. I knew why snowflakes are purer in December than in February, Dean, despite having the same chemical makeup. I knew.”

“Why are they purer in December, Cas?” he couldn't help asking.

“Because in December they’re made of love, Dean. Of snow days spent sledding with your best friend, and making snowmen in the yard, and snow forts. Of quiet memories and looking forward to a white Christmas. Of standing at a window with the ones you love, enjoying the beauty as it falls down around you, and freezing noses, and hot cocoa to warm them up. In February it’s just that annoying thing that’s going to make you late for work. It’s dangerous driving conditions, and damage to your paintjob, and mud under your boots.”

He chuckled then, forgot about the snow and got back to his point.

“Love is… complicated, for an angel. There are so many kinds of love, so many conflicting messages about what it is and what it should be. So many voices telling us how to feel it. I knew I loved you almost from the very beginning. But how did I love you? How was loving like a friend different than loving like a brother and how are those unlike loving like a lover? Is the difference in the feeling or in how it is expressed? So many questions, Dean. About life, about faith, and especially about love. And just like that, in a glance, they were all replaced with answers.”

He got serious suddenly. 

“I knew everything that matters in that moment. I held it to me like the most precious of all treasures. I wanted to tell you more than I wanted my next breath but… I knew it was not the time. Not yet. So I held on to the feeling as long as I could and put it away for safe-keeping when we got back to the others.”

Dean’s smile lost some of its shine, then, and he reached out to lift Castiel’s eyes to his own and held them there.

“What do you say we make this our song?” He had never wanted anything like he wanted to put that sparkle back in the deep blue eyes holding his. “We can play it for everyone when we throw a party to tell them. Maybe slow dance in our cowboy hats.”

“A party?”

“Easier than making a hundred phone calls, don’t you think? How’s next week?”

“I’m going to need a proper cowboy hat, not that cheap straw thing from Dodge City.”

“That should be easy enough to find.”

“Also, I don’t know how to slow dance.”

“We can fix that, just follow my lead.” Dean got up, and offered his hand to Cas. 

_My love is deeper than the holler, stronger than the river  
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill  
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December  
And honest as a Robin on a springtime windowsill  
And longer than the song of a whippoorwill_

He pulled Cas closer, and they began to dance.


	7. Side A Track 6 - Say Something

He knew something was up before the music started because Cas prefaced the song. 

“I didn’t actually hear this one at the time of the… memory. I’d heard it before, I think working at the Gas ‘N Sip, probably. Sometimes the radio was on in the store. Anyway, I didn’t give it much thought until things started falling apart. But as I was leaving the bunker after that - disagreement, with no intention of coming back, it came to mind. In fact, it more or less got stuck in my head for a while.”

_Say something, I’m giving up on you_

Castiel’s arms pulled Dean closer, held on.

“I thought I might never see you again after that day. Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

_I'll be the one, if you want me to_

“I wanted nothing more than to just fix it, somehow. Find the magic word that would bring us back to the way things were before – before everything went wrong.”

_Anywhere, I would've followed you_

“I could have handled everything and shrugged it off if we could work through it. What I couldn’t handle was the feeling that you didn’t want me around anymore. That there was no working through that.”

_Say something, I’m giving up on you_

He clung, and Dean could fell the emotion rip through him. As much as he hated the memory of Cas walking away that day, as much as he was kicking himself for just letting him walk, for being such a incredible jerk to Cas that he came to that point at all, he made himself set that aside. Cas had things to say right now. And if he needed to cling to Dean like a stubborn limpet while he said them, then Dean would stand there and be _his_ rock for once in his miserable life.

_And I am feeling so small_

“I felt so ashamed, walking away. I am a warrior, trained to fight to my dying breath. I would have died a thousand deaths for you. Why was I walking away from the fight? I have never wanted anything so fiercely as I wanted you to stop me. Anything would have been enough. I kept thinking, Just say my name. Just say my name the way you used to say it and I’ll come running back to you like I always do.”

_And I will stumble and fall  
I'm still learning to love_

“But you didn’t, and then I was outside, and I had no idea what to do. I think I stood out there a full 15 minutes, hoping you’d come after me, listening for your steps on the stairs.”

_I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you_

“I tried so hard, but I always seemed to end up failing you. And now it seemed I was going to choose my pride over your – over you.”

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_

“I felt like the worst kind of coward. I knew what was under all the anger. Why couldn’t I just stand there and give you what you needed?”

Dean made himself move then. Put just enough distance between them for eye contact, his hands gripping Cas just as tightly as he was holding on. Maybe they’d just have to be the rock to each other’s limpet for a while, because Dean couldn’t tell which was which anymore.

“Cas -” he cut in. “What I needed was a punching bag,” he swallowed hard. "And we have one, in the workout room. Yeah, I know you did that for me before, and I know you could handle it. I have never forgotten who you are, at your core. But that doesn’t mean you should have to take any of my bull, whether or not you can. You deserve better. And maybe I was a little too used to taking my shit out on you. I needed a reality check. Knowing you could leave if you wanted to… I never thought you would just…”

He took a deep breath and looked into Castiel’s soul.

“You’re too good to be anyone’s punching bag. And you deserve a partner… someone who will fight with you, not against you. Please don’t ever let me do that to you again.”

“I won’t, if you don’t let me give up again.”

“Deal,” and he sealed it with a desperate kiss.

_Say something I’m giving up on you_

“I was such an incredible jerk to you”

“Well, with the world not ending any time soon, everyone being safe, and getting laid regularly, you’re doing much better.”

They smiled into each other’s lips then, and a kiss or two later, when they sat down again, they kept their hands locked together.


	8. Side A Track 7 - Long After Tonight is All Over

Castiel’s smile turned coy and well… naughty.

“I have a confession to make.”

Dean’s eyebrow shot up.

“I don’t actually have any memories with this song, but I was kinda hoping we could change that. Make a memory, together, right now.”

Dean didn’t know what Cas was planning, but he was pretty much up for anything that would put a smile like that on Castiel’s face. This seemed promising. 

“What did you have in mind?” he made himself ask casually.

_Tonight with you, for the first time  
I have learned what my lips are for_

“Wanna make out on the couch like a couple of teenagers?”

“Sam’s here.”

“I know.”

“We could get caught.”

“Isn’t that part of the thrill?”

“Fair point,” Dean conceded. “Plus it would be great for little brother needling purposes.”

_And darling now that I’ve kissed you  
I am craving to kiss you more_

“Should I take that as a yes?” Cas checked.

“Nah. More like a hell, yeah.”

Cas tugged on the hand he was still holding, pulling Dean closer before kissing him into the couch cushions. 

“I may have asked Sam to check in with us before he goes to bed.”

Dean chuckled, nipping at Castiel’s lip before pulling him closer and sliding his own leg around his hip. Cas moaned and shifted his position on top of Dean, making their bodies rub in all the right places.

_Let me tell you, long after tonight is all over  
Long after tonight is all gone, I’ll be yours_

They moaned into the kiss at the contact, and suddenly the kiss turned hotter, hands started roaming, sliding under t-shirts, searching.

All the roaming lead to wiggling, which made all sort of small fires start up in all sorts of interesting places. Dean’s other leg went around Castiel’s other hip, Castiel’s arms locked into Dean’s shoulders as his mouth went to work on Dean’s neck, the arch he had to put into his back to reach it pushing his hips into Dean in the most delicious way.

_Forever and a day, I’m yours  
Come anything that may_

“I can definitely see the appeal,” he gasped into Dean’s neck as Dean’s hips angled up to meet his own.

“Hard to miss, really,” Dean agreed.

He was about to point out that there were drawbacks when they heard footsteps.

Cas froze, his mouth on Dean’s neck, waiting.

“Cas? Dean?” they heard Sam call out.

Dean held his breath, which turned out to be a tactical mistake because when Cas felt his body move, his lips sealed where they had been resting and he started to suck. He held it as long as he could, to his credit. Long enough for Sam to take a step into the room, look around without seeing them, hidden as they were by the back of the couch, and turn to head out again. Another second would have done it. 

The moan escaped, and they heard the steps stop again.

There was a moment of the sort of heavy silence you might find if you were metaphorically free diving into the Mariana Trench. 

“O, come on” followed, and then some vague noises that sounded like gagging.

“Two more steps and I was gonna need therapy,” Sam called out, not amused.

Muffled chuckles came from the couch.

“There are like dozens of rooms with locks in this place, you know.”

Castiel did his best to keep his voice steady and his head out of sight.

“Sam, thank you for checking in. I’m afraid we got… a bit distracted.”

Sam smirked but said nothing.

Dean moved against Cas, wanting to pay him back for the hicky that made him moan. 

“Talk later, Sam,” Cas bit out with a stutter.

_Don’t go away, don’t you leave me  
Or I’ll cry till the end of time._

"What _are_ your lips for Cas?" Dean had asked, as soon as the steps were gone.

"For kissing you. For saying your name as I lose myself in you. For other things, too" and he'd glanced significantly down between their bodies.

The kiss dragged on until they were both breathless, and when they finally broke for air Cas pushed himself up, gesturing vaguely in the direction of their bedroom. Dean nodded enthusiastically and scrambled up. Cas reached for the remote to stop the music and turned to find Dean smiling fondly.

“I remember that song. It was playing when we grossed out my kid brother making out on the couch like a couple of teenagers.”

Cas chuckled, grabbing Dean’s shoulder.

“Feels like it happened 2 minutes ago, Dean.”

_Long after tonight is all over, yeah_

He stopped the tape then. Tomorrow was soon enough for the other side.


	9. Side B Track 1 - The Impossible Dream

It was mid afternoon the next day when they went back to the tape. Sam and Eileen were looking through the news and finding nothing. There were no calls to answer or return. Just the sort of quiet day at the bunker that was becoming the norm now that Chuck was no longer a problem. 

Dean flipped the tape and looked at the cover. For side B there were no notes, only tracks. The first one was “The Impossible Dream”.

Returning to where Cas had stopped, Dean reached for his hand.

“No notes on this side?”

“These aren’t songs about particular moments in time that you might or might not remember. Just songs I saw myself in through the years. My favorites, of all the songs I saw myself in.”

“The impossible dream?”

“It doesn’t seem so impossible anymore, but yes. Actually, I see you in that one too.”

_To dream the impossible dream  
To fight the unbeatable foe,  
To bear with unbearable sorrow,  
To run where the brave dare not go._

“I guess I can see that,” Dean finally agreed.

“It’s funny. It’s supposed to be a song about a delusional man, tilting at imaginary enemies. But how imaginary are they really? So many of the monsters we fight are ”imaginary”. I sometimes wonder what that old knight was fighting. Mostly I just think that most humans are… confusing… They worship sacrifice in one man and mock it in another.”

“Most people mock anything they don’t understand. Not one of mankind’s best traits.”

Cas hummed his agreement.

“I sometimes wonder if that was Chuck’s idea or just something that happened over time.”

“Why do we do that, you think?”

“I think most people understand that sometimes sacrifices have to be made, but they don’t want to be the ones making them. So they worship the kinds of sacrifices that could never be asked of them because they’re not the son of god, or a billionaire, or some kind of special talent. Those who sacrifice things they themselves don’t have for sacrificing. But when the sacrifice is within their reach, well…”

He stopped, choosing his words carefully.

“They either step up, the way you did or they pretend there’s no problem, no need to sacrifice anything, so they can feel good about their unwillingness to do what has to be done. It would be a funny quirk if it didn’t end up resulting in relentless mocking of one of mankind’s most attractive traits – altruism. Not to mention very self-destructive failures to deal with problems before they get out of hand.”

“You’re probably not wrong,” Dean agreed, thinking of all the people, through the years, who had come to know of the monsters they fought, yet stuck their heads under their pillows and waited for somebody else to deal with the situation. Plenty had been fully capable of fighting their own fights. They just didn’t. Denial was easier. Going back to normal was safer. 

_And I know if I'll only be true  
To this glorious quest  
That my heart will be peaceful and calm  
When I'm laid to my rest._

“But then again, sometimes I think it’s just a different kind of selfishness, what we do,” Cas continued.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, once you know that the monster is out there, you have two choices. Hide, or fight. Hiding, like most people do, might be easier. It might even feel safer. But you spend the rest of your life never knowing where it is or if it’s coming for you today. Fighting is scarier. But then it’s over, and if you’re good enough or lucky enough to win, you get to go on with your life without fear. You get to have true safety. A few hours or days of courage are not too high a price to pay for never having to think about the monster again. For free will.”

“Even if you lose,” Dean chimed in “at least it’s over quickly. A few days of hell beats the heck out of a lifetime of fear. And maybe you hurt it enough for someone else to kill.” 

_And the world will be better for this,_  
_That one man scorned and covered with scars  
Still strove with his last ounce of courage._

“Even if you lose, you change the world by merely fighting. Who doesn’t want to make a difference?” Cas summed up.

“Here’s to making a difference,” and Dean held up an imaginary beer bottle. 

Cas tilted his head, confused for a moment, but copied Dean’s gesture.

“To making a difference.”

Dean chuckled, slid his arm around Cas and leaned in.

“You have no idea how cute you are when you do that.”

“Do what?” he asked, his head tilting a bit further.

But Dean just laughed and dropped a kiss on top of his tilted head.


	10. Side B Track 2 - Losing My Religion

Dean recognized the song immediately on hearing the first few notes. It was one of the most recognizable songs of his youth. He couldn’t remember paying much attention to the lyrics before, but what little he remembered was a natural fit for Cas and how he’d come to fall.

_Oh life, is bigger  
It's bigger than you  
And you are not me_

The leap of awareness alone, for a being created to be a war machine, programmed to follow orders without question, to disregard himself for someone else’s cause, was astounding. It took Dean most of his life to break free of the expectations of a deadbeat dad that was never there. Cas had Chuck, instead of an absent father. Chuck who ran the whole world. Who was everywhere and knew everything. Literally wrote his reality into being. Yet Cas was able to see himself as more than a cog. To fight for himself.

_The lengths that I will go to  
The distance in your eyes_

There was a theme in this already, two songs in. Loneliness. 

_Oh no I've said too much_

How many times had he kept his feelings to himself through the centuries? How many people were there that truly knew him? 

_That's me in the corner  
That's me in the spot-light  
Losing my religion_

It was the next line that rocked him. He had been so busy trying to understand Castiel’s fall from grace, he hadn’t considered yet this might not be about Chuck or grace at all.

_Trying to keep up with you_

He might finally have his head out of his ass about this, but he still had a lot of work to do, as far as feelings talks go, so he didn’t know how to ask. He clung to the words like one of them would answer all this questions.

_Oh no I've said too much  
I haven't said enough_

Now there were words he could relate to. But this was supposed to be about Cas. So he made himself search for the words.

_Every whisper, of every waking hour  
I'm choosing my confessions_

“I thought this was sort of about your fall, at first. But I’m not so sure now. What do you see here? Is it the fall or-” not knowing how to finish the question, he gestured vaguely towards the bunker and everything in it.

“Both, really. My fall from Heaven was less of a break and more of a shift. I fell out of grace and into love at the same time, I think. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I fell out of grace *because* I fell in love. Either way, it’s all the same fall.”

_Consider this  
Consider this, the hint of the century_

“As hard as I fought to break free of Chuck’s influence, or Naomi’s conditioning, I’ve never fought harder than when I was fighting for you. I needed to find myself partly because I needed to know what I had to give you. I kept my secrets in Heaven because I didn’t want to lose myself. I kept my secrets here because I was afraid of losing you.”

_Consider this the slip.  
That brought me to my knees_

He looked into Dean’s eyes then.

“You are, and always were, the only thing I would gladly give myself up for. No hesitation, no regrets. There are others I would die for. Jack, Sam, Eileen even. But for you… for you I would submit to being the hammer you once said I was for whatever is left of my life.”

_I thought that I heard you laughing_  
_I thought that I heard you sing  
I think I thought I saw you try_

The absolute conviction in those words shook Dean to his core. He didn’t even know why, really. He’d always been there, through the years, doing just that. Hearing it like that, though. Not as just the sort of thing that happens in the heat of the moment, in desperate circumstances, when you seem to be out of options, but as a conscious decision, made in full awareness of all there is to lose, in some quiet moment of safety at home.

_But that was just a dream_

Dean had been far too busy for far too long, what with saving the world from Chuck’s plot twists, to have time for trying so many things. Better coping skills. Therapy, maybe. Dealing with his own shit so the people he loves don’t have to. Learning to use his words when it mattered. He could do it now, though. And trying was the very least he could do for Cas.

_Just a dream_

That was a dream, Dean told himself, that was coming true.


	11. Side B Track 3 - Accidentally in Love

It seemed that while he was lost in thought, Cas had slipped out to the kitchen, because he was returning now, with an apple and some dipping sauce. 

_So she said what's the problem baby  
What's the problem I don't know  
Well maybe I'm in love_

He settled into the same spot he’d been sitting in, glancing at Dean with the kind of smile he’d only ever seen in chick flicks before. Cas produced a knife and efficiently cut the apple into wedges, removing the core as he went.

_Think about it every time  
I think about it  
Can't stop thinking 'bout it_

He took a moment to arrange the wedges meticulously on the plate. Careful not to spill, Cas poured some of the caramel dipping sauce onto the apple pieces. He was so focused and precise Dean found himself wondering if Cas had at some point calculated the exact amount of caramel syrup that would produce the best results and experimented with different ways to dispense it until he had arrived at this method. It was such a Cas thing to do he couldn’t help staring.

_How much longer will it take to cure this  
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love_

Having arranged everything exactly to his satisfaction, Cas smiled to himself and picked up a slice. After all the meticulous care, it seemed reasonable to expect that Cas would carefully select a piece, and nibble at it delicately. He did not. He picked up the piece nearest to him and stuck the whole thing in his mouth. Dean watched his lips close around it, the movement of his jaw as he chewed it, and the way his throat moved when he swallowed.

_Makes me want to turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love_

He watched Cas eat another slice, and then his feet were moving closer. Maybe it was because they were at this weird intersection of “I’ve loved you forever” and “This is so new” but these small things drew him to Cas like a bee to a flower. He made himself sit down, though, because he’d like to think he wasn’t the kind of guy who turned a snack into a make out session. At least, not every damn time. He could be that kind of guy, right? His eyes followed Castiel’s fingers to his mouth again. A quick glance showed him Cas was watching.

“That looks great, man. Can I…”

Cas nodded with a smile and Dean reached for a piece of apple. It was the apple he wanted to gobble up. That was why he undoubtedly looked like a starving man looking at a feast. He needed him some apple. Yeah, this could work. But he was so busy psyching himself up he sort of fumbled the apple, his fingers slipping and getting caramel sauce all over them.

_Come on, come on  
'Cause everybody's after love_

He stuck the apple into his mouth with all the grace of a moose in heat, licked the caramel from this index finger, then glanced at Cas. Had he seen that? He hadn’t seen that, right? Apparently, Cas had seen because his eyes were locked on Dean’s hand.

“You missed a spot,” he growled.

Dean looked at his hand, found the syrup, and cleaned his finger. In the movies this was always the sexy bit. He should have locked eyes with Cas, then fluttered his eyelashes or something and licked his finger like it was something else entirely. He couldn’t, though. It had always seemed so- fake. 

He watched another piece disappear into Castiel’s mouth and thought he’d never seen anything sexier and Cas wasn’t even trying. It was so not fair.

_Melting under blue skies  
Belting out sunlight  
Shimmering love_

Dean made himself focus on Castiel’s eyes, on the love shining out of them. Was he holding his breath? Why was he holding his breath?

_Well baby I surrender  
To the strawberry ice cream  
Never ever end of all this love_

“You know I don’t actually get hungry, right?”

Dean nodded. 

“Caramel molecules must be tasty.”

Cas gave a shy smile, nibbled at his lip, then shook his head.

“Not especially.”

That’s when Dean saw the amused, teasing glimmer in his eyes. He settled back, letting Cas tease him, build the tension. Dean would get him back later. With that caramel syrup. Which Dean could taste just fine. He could picture it. 

_Well I didn't mean to do it  
But there's no escaping your love_

Dean took another wedge, and watched Cas finish his apple, the tension building between them as the song built as well.

_We're accidentally in love_

He felt the joy of it cut through the tension. He was in love with Cas. Cas was in love with him. 

_I’m in love, I’m in love  
I’m in love, I’m in love_

Life was full of surprises before them. Even by Winchester standards.


	12. Side B Track 4 - Hallelujah

“I feel like I should explain this one,” Cas opened with, even before the music started. “So many people don’t get this song your pop culture knowledge might actually work against you on this one.”

Dean checked the box.

“Hallelujah? Isn’t that like, a Christmas song? I never really paid a lot of attention but it seems I always hear it around Christmas.”

“It’s not, actually, at all. But lately a lot of people seemed to have decided it was. There are a lot of religious references, so I imagine a lot of people don’t understand the lyrics.”

“Alright, teach me.”

_Now, I’ve heard there was a secret chord  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord  
But you don’t really care for music, do you?_

“He’s referring to how King David from the Bible became king, here, and that’s a story I can tell you in detail some other time, if you want, but the important part is that he’s talking about the power of music. The right music is transformative, healing. It can literally be a lifeline, it can change a life until it’s unrecognizable. But the person he’s writing this song for doesn’t like music. Or at least not his music.”

_It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth  
The minor fall, the major lift  
The baffled king composing hallelujah_

“He gives the music anyway, because it’s his special talent, it’s what he’s good at, it’s the best part of himself and it’s the very best thing he has to offer.”

_Hallelujah  
Hallelujah_

“This is a complicated word. It’s a word of praise, but more than that, gratitude, acceptance, submission. He’s grateful for what he gives and for giving it, even if it’s rejected and it hurts. He expects it to be rejected. He expects it to hurt. He gives it anyway, happily.”

Dean gets that. The only one he’s ever given the best part of himself to (well, before Cas) was Sammy. And yeah, now that he was all grown up it sometimes was just like that. The best he had to give was not what Sam needed anymore. Or even what he wanted most times. Some of it was leftover habit from when they were kids and Dean was taking care of him. But he knew that all those times he cut deals with demons or Death or whoever would deal to get Sam back, he was doing something Sammy wouldn’t want. It did bother him a bit, to know his brother didn’t want his gift. But he gave it anyway, gladly, with no regrets.

_Your faith was strong but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya_

“He sees some part of David’s story in himself and his story. David saw Bathsheba bathing from his roof and fell for her. A lot of horrible things happened because of that. They had an affair and she got pregnant. He got her husband killed to cover up their affair, and eventually married her. The child died. That was just the beginning. Her first husband was… a righteous man. David’s love for Bathsheba caused terrible things to happen to people.”

Dean tried not to devote any time to contemplating how this fit in with their story. He was starting to see this wasn’t a song about how great love is, here.

_She tied you to a kitchen chair  
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair  
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah_

“And now it’s Samson. Samson who was a warrior of god, so powerful no army could defeat him. So they sent Delilah to seduce him and betray him. She found out how to break him. His power came from his hair. She cut it. When he was helpless to protect himself, they overpowered, chained and blinded him. And still he followed her, blindly, into his death.”

“He sounds like an angel. The hair is kinda like his grace,” Dean reasoned, his voice giving away his awareness of the other parallels.

_Well baby, I've been here before  
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew ya_

“He’s been in love before, he’s tried to have relationships, but it always ends the same way. Alone. He knows how this will end up.”

Dean nods, understanding that.

_And I've seen your flag on the marble arch_  
And love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah 

“But he knows it’s too late to avoid it. He’s lost. The flag on the arch, that’s the conquering army marking its territory. Love is not the ending people think it is. In the movies, in the books, the characters fall in love, maybe there’s a kiss, maybe there’s a wedding, and that’s the happily ever after. But love is not like that. It’s hard work, it’s heartbreak and compromise, it’s a fight you fight together, back-to-back against the world. It’s a beginning, not an end. If you start knowing how it ends, there’s no comfort or support in it. It’s barely more than an empty promise. And yet -”

“And yet you can’t help wanting every moment. Clinging to it, rejoicing in it. Being grateful for whatever you can get. Even though it’s broken, or maybe you’re breaking it, holding on too hard. Even though it’s not enough,” Dean finished the thought.

“Yes.”

Silence fell between them then. The message was clear enough and they listened to the rest of the song in silence. There was a heaviness to it, and it dragged on for another moment after the song was over.

“How many times have we done that, Cas? Fought some monster, back-to-back. You with your blade, me with the shotgun, or a catana, with armies of monsters coming at us?”

Cas smirked then.

“Was I supposed to keep count? I lost track somewhere around a lot.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’ve got too. A lot,” Dean smiled. 

“We fight well together. There’s no one else I’d rather have at my back.”

"We haven't lost yet," Cas agreed. 

"We're not going to. You don't lose until you stop fighting. I'll never stop fighting for this."


	13. Side B Track 5 - Ex-Factor

When Cas grabbed his hand this time, it felt different. It sent him back to the many times they’d needed to communicate silently in the middle of a hunt. He held on to the hand, on full alert now.

_It could all be so simple  
But you'd rather make it hard_

The brush of Castiel’s thumb against the back of his hand let him know it was ok now. He was ok now.

_Loving you is like a battle  
And we both end up with scars_

Their eyes locked. All the information that mattered right now was in the other set of eyes. They said it hurt, but it’ll heal. 

_Tell me, who I have to be  
To get some reciprocity  
Cause no one loves you more than me  
And no one ever will_

Dean’s hand shaped itself into an “I love you” and Castiel’s returned “I know.”

_No matter how I think we grow  
You always seem to let me know  
It ain't workin'_

“It’s working now. Please don’t stop,” the tilt of Castiel’s shoulders told him. 

Dean’s own shoulders squared up in a clear. “Not a chance. Not when we’re winning. Not ever again.”

_See I know what we've got to do  
You let go, and I'll let go too_

Their grips turned to iron together. “Don’t let go,” their hands said to each other, and then “I won’t if you don’t.”

_'Cause no one's hurt me more than you  
And no one ever will_

Dean’s crestfallen glance at his feet, before his eyes came back to Castiel’s, spelled out “I know. I’m so sorry I was such a royal ass.”

Castiel’s other hand curled around Dean’s, protectively. “I get it,” it whispered. “I forgive you.”

Dean’s eyes turned back to his feet, griping “I don’t deserve it.”

_Care for me, care for me  
I know you care for me  
There for me, there for me  
Said you'd be there for me_

Dean’s fingers locked with Castiel’s in a promise of “Always. Even if I’m being an ass about it.”

_Cry for me, cry for me  
You said you'd die for me  
Give to me, give to me  
Why won't you live for me?_

Dean’s sheepish smile said he hadn’t known that was an option. His eyes added he wanted to.

He pulled Cas into his lap then, held him close. It hadn’t hit him until just now how close he’d come to fucking it all up beyond fixing. He felt his body start to shake at the thought and suddenly he had to say the words out loud.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry.”

“That’s behind us now. I don’t feel that way anymore.”

That was Castiel’s reassuring voice. He wanted the reassurance, but he still had more words he needed to hear himself say. That Cas needed to hear him say. Out loud. 

“You should never have been made to feel that way at all. I had no right to take my shit out on you.”

He took a deep breath, buried his nose in Castiel’s neck for a moment, felt the warmth of his body against his own.

“It was never because you weren’t exactly who you should be, Cas. You don’t have to be anyone but yourself to get everything I have to give. It was always my own shit. Thinking I had nothing to give anyone. That all I’d ever be is a killing machine who doesn’t deserve good things. Doesn’t have time for good things. That good things are something I get to look at for a bit, maybe, enjoy for a few hours, but I definitely don’t get to keep. That I’d probably die in the next hunt and nobody deserved to be left behind wondering what happened to me.”

“I’ll be there with you for all the next hunts. If you die, I’ll know exactly what happened. And I’ll find you, wherever you end up. You can’t ditch me that easily.” He smirked then, with a tilt of his adorable head. “Perks of being an angel.”

Dean laughed then, snuggled closer into Castiel, and when the song started to fade out with

_Where were you when I needed you?_

Dean’s grip on Castiel’s shirt said he’d never have to ask himself that question again.


	14. Side B Track 6 - The Scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter today, and not particularly inspired, I'm afraid. Sorry about that. I should have probably waited but i needed a distraction from well... today. I might revise this at some later time and make significant changes, I might not. I suppose it depends on how I feel about it when I'm not such a nervous wreck.

That’s how they still were, locked in each other’s grip, when the next song started. 

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are  
I had to find you, tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart_

Slowly, noises started coming from the next room. It must be about dinner time. Sammy and Eileen were clearly already preparing something. Cas and Dean didn’t move from the couch, but they let go a little, relaxed enough to look at each other and their surroundings. There was sadness in this song, but also hope. They exchanged small smiles, watched Sam and Eileen move in and out of their field of vision. It felt oddly nostalgic.

_Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions  
Oh, let's go back to the start_

Sam’s head popped into the doorway.

“You guys want to eat in here?”

They nodded, and Dean made himself add “Thanks, Sammy.”

Sam came in then, started shuffling things around, and left again to get their plates. 

_Nobody said it was easy  
It's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard _

Sam and Eileen brought the plates and set them down on the table, exchanging knowing smiles at the sight of Dean and Cas, just now starting to move, reluctant to put space between them. They went back to the kitchen, leaving the other two alone for another minute by silent mutual agreement.

_But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me  
Oh and I rush to the start  
Running in circles, chasing our tails  
Coming back as we are_

Sam and Eileen came back with beer bottles, and they all sat down to eat. Dean found himself looking around the table and feeling… at peace, he supposed. As much disruption as their family had had to deal with over the years, losing loved ones, fighting, dying, Sam and Dean losing each other, both of them losing Cas, somehow they always seemed to make their way back to this. Which, this dead end he'd been stuck in with Cas notwithstanding, wasn't as bad as it could be.

_Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so hard_

Maybe nobody said it, but there were a few people who could verify loving Dean Winchester was hard. Still, he could learn. What else was he gonna do with his time? Now that he wasn’t rushing off to save the world every other day, he could take some time to take care of his family, learn more about Cas, go on a freaking date. Maybe even take care of himself. Ditch the self-destructive habits. Learn to use his words. Eat a vegetable maybe, at least on top of his cheeseburger. Stick to reasonable amounts of beer. Dare he think it? He might even take up jogging. He had to stay in fighting shape somehow, and that was something he and Cas could do together.

_I’m going back to the start_

Between the four of them, they’d had more close calls and miraculous returns than anyone had any right to dream of, much less expect. The sort of thing most people called a second chance. But this felt like it was the first time Dean had a real second chance. A chance he could actually make use of. He wasn’t going to waste it.

He finally noticed what he was eating. He didn’t know what it was called, but it looked like a real homemade meal, with vegetables and everything. Seemed he’d already started.  
Dean sat up straighter. Dropped his fork for a moment and reached for Castiel’s hand on the table.

“What is this?” he asked. And without waiting for an answer went on. “This is very good. Might even get me to eat veggies if you play your cards right.”

Startled looks went around the table, and then Eileen’s knowing smile was back, and she signed something to Sam that Dean didn’t understand. It didn’t matter though. He was here, Cas was here, and they had a second chance.


	15. Side B Track 7 - At the beginning

Castiel’s smile got brighter, and he set down the fork he’d been about to lift to his mouth because he did that now. He didn’t have to, of course. It wasn’t even a matter of habit picked up during his time as a human. It was just a way to be closer to them, a family thing they did together. One small way he strengthened their bonds. Even if it all tasted like boring molecules. 

“I listen to this one the most, I think,” and he winked at Dean. “It’s a duet.”

Dean quirked a smile, winking back.

_We were strangers, starting out on a journey  
Never dreaming, what we'd have to go through  
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing  
At the beginning with you_

They hadn’t been strangers in a while, but the moment you sink a blade into a guy only to watch him tilt his head at you like that was a quaint human peculiarity kinda sticks, he’d found. He’d been fearsome, Castiel, Angel of the Lord, with his booming voice and his wings flaring behind him. Or at least their shadow. He’d have to see if he could get a look at the real thing one of these days. If that was even possible. And here he was now, Cas Winchester, eating food he couldn’t really taste to bond with his family. _Their_ family. Neither one of them had any idea back then what they’d have to face or where it would bring them.

He glanced at Sammy, only to find Sam had shuffled around a bit, so he could sign to Eileen. Commenting on the sappy glances between himself and Cas, maybe? But he didn’t seem to be paying any attention to them, and he paused when the words did. Signing the words to her, then. Smooth, his little brother. He was going to take credit for that.

_No one told me, I was going to find you  
Unexpected, what you did to my heart  
When I lost hope, you were there to remind me  
This is the start_

It was hard to tell who was more surprised by the turn of events. The angel who had been sent to rescue Michael’s vessel and in the process found the love of his extremely long life? A real person with his own ideas and his own choices to make, orders of magnitude more important than any vessel. Or maybe the hunter who grew up thinking angels were a delusion people used to comfort themselves, only to find out they were generally the hollier-than-thouest of all hollier-than-thous. Royal dicks, even, and then he had his very own guardian angel, just like his mom used to say he did. And Cas knew how messed up he was but somehow, here he was, eating a plate full of molecules just for the chance to hang out with his sorry ass.

_And life is a road that I wanna keep going  
Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing  
Life is a road, now and forever, wonderful journey_

It had never felt wonderful before. Sure, getting behind Baby’s wheel and hitting the road had its own special charm, and if they weren’t on the way to gank some monster, it was even a great thrill. But wonderful? All his life had been full of before was grief and battles and problems. There just might be wonder now, though. Sitting across from the table from him, smiling with those blue, blue eyes of his. Mouthing the words, even.

_I'll be there when the world stops turning  
I'll be there when the storm is through  
In the end I wanna be standing  
At the beginning with you_

Dean found his foot tapping along to the beat, sometimes brushing Castiel’s shoe under the table. He felt Cas move his leg a bit, placing his foot where Dean would brush it more consistently, all quiet and collected and pretty as you please, and Dean locked his foot around Castiel’s and instead started moving his head to the beat instead. 

_We were strangers, on a crazy adventure  
Never dreaming, how our dreams would come true  
Now here we stand, unafraid of the future  
At the beginning with you_

How bizarre was that? That the most we worried about now was getting his feelings hurt, or Sammy and Eileen not working out, or Claire or Donna or some other of their friends running into the sort of trouble everyone ran into? Normal, everyday stuff. He should be terrified but he’d beaten god. How terrifying could old age be? Taxes? And he could have all the things he’d never been able to have before to look forward to. He could get a pet without being afraid of not coming home to take care of it. He had a future now. A real one. He was going to get old. How terrifying could death be, when he knew in his bones he'd die of old age in his bed someday and then he’d wake up in Heaven and Cas would be there. Forever was a real thing for Dean Winchester and it was like a game he couldn’t lose, as long as Cas was there.

_I'll be there when the world stops turning  
I'll be there when the storm is through  
In the end I wanna be standing  
At the beginning with you_

He felt the same thrill he got from getting into Baby just for a drive fill him. There was a world of exciting possibilities open before him. 

_Knew there was somebody, somewhere  
A new love in the dark  
Now I know my dream will live on  
I've been waiting so long  
Nothing's gonna tear us apart_

He must have lit up like a Christmas tree, because he saw the smile spread from Castiel’s eyes to his entire face. He nudged Sammy with his elbow and reached for his beer, lifted it up, and waited until they raised theirs. Cas first, then Sammy, and Eileen a heartbeat behind. They looked at each other expectantly.

“To the beginning,” he finally said. Their bottles clinked together, and as the music went on in the background, he found himself getting lost in the possibilities. It was Castiel’s voice that brought him back to the moment, repeating, through a smile.

“To the beginning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it. Last track. There are a number that didn't make the cut that i feel would also be great. Some of my favorites are:   
> Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls  
> I wanna know what love is, by Foreigner  
> Since I fell for you, (or You Don't know me) by Lenny Welch  
> Something Stupid by Sinatra  
> Who Wants to live forever? by Queen
> 
> there are so many others. Feel free to share your own song ideas in the comments, I'll admit I'm wildly curious about what songs you would have chosen.


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